Republished from the original “MyHotMess.com”:

“While I am positive that there must be more men on the planet that despise me, I have only met two that have done so out right, and I met them both yesterday. One man for the first time, and the next man, for the last.

Now, every morning I get my little Saucy McKushface in her collar and we head over to Robeks Juice for some morning yumyums, as Robeks is one of the only places in LA serving acai bowls, one of my favorite morning treats. For a long time now, there has been this guy in there named Josh who works at the counter register. He flirts with me, and I flirt back because that is what I like to do, and right before I left for Europe, he finally worked up the courage to ask me out.

Josh: So, I don’t know what you’re doing Saturday but my band is playing at blah blah blah.

Me: Oh Saturday? I’d love to but I am hosting a party. You should come by after your show.

Josh: Oh, probably not…..you know…the whole band thing.

Me: Well bring em, I’ll put you all on the list.

Josh: eh….well, what are you doing the night after?

Me: Leaving for Europe for a month.

Josh: Oh.

Now at no point have I ever told Josh what I do. At no point would there be any reason for him to think I am Penny Flame, unless of course he just recognizes me and I’m a total doof for not thinking people recognize me in clothing. But he doesn’t act like he knows I’m a pornstar, and at no point has he ever said anything which leads me to believe he doesn’t know. This is fine by me. I prefer to travel under the cover of darkness.

Every time I go into Robeks, Josh hooks me up with the acai bowl. I get all the extra trimmings that I love so much (frozen blueberries and extra granola), and every time he only charges me for the smallest size bowl, even though I always get the big one. Its always the little things like this that manage to reveal your hand to your opponent. Josh does not have a good poker face.

I went in there three days ago, and he again asked

Josh: What are you doing Saturday night?

Me: My girlfriend Brynns birthday party. What are you doing?

Josh: Oh, my band, playing again. You know. Maaaan, I just can’t get you out can I?

Me: Out of what?

Josh: Nevermind.

Its good to play dumb when you are breaking someone’s heart in front of their coworkers. Nothing worse than the shit talking that commences as soon as dream girl walks over your heart and out the door with a big ass extra special cheap acai bowl. So I play dumb and he accepts my ignorance and I walk out that door, bowl in hand. It was this final interaction that I make it clear we would not be going on a date. Fuck, I mean, and I hate to say it because it makes me sound like a shallow fucking bitch, but really?

I’m just not going to date the guy from Robek’s. And while his employment at said smoothie shop is a big factor in me not dating him, there are other reasons as well. Here are my reasons for not dating the guy at Robek’s.

1. He works at Robek’s. This should explain itself, from the apron and the visor to the minimum wage paycheck. I need a self made nucca, who is driven and going places.

2. He has roommates. He’s mentioned them, and I am not into that.

3. He is my height. Fucking shallow bitch.

4. I have a hard time respecting people that hook me up because I am a pretty bitch. If you know me, and we are friends, fine, but just random good looking strangers? Come on dude, paying $5.95 for a bowl instead of $6.95 is not a big deal, and it isn’t going to impress me.

5. He works at Robek’s.

So yesterday, I dropped by the old juice fest to grab a….peanut butter chocolate protein shake. I kind of overdid it on the acai bowl thing and needed a little change of pace, so this is the perfectly opposite thing for me devour. Anyway, I’m walking through the parking lot and I see Josh at the counter register, two walls of the shop are glass windows so you can see everything, and he makes a hand gesture to his coworker, Capt. Save a Bro, who is mixing fruit and juicy goodness in multiple blenders, and they switch positions so Josh is now mixing fruit and juicy goodness and Capt. Save a Bro is at the register, patiently waiting for me to tie up the Saucinator and come place my order.

He makes polite conversation, we flirt like I used to flirt with Josh, before he got all lovey and serious, and thought that register flirtation was anything more than shootin the shit. Capt. Save a Bro laughs when I respond to his “Hows your day” required question with

Me: I have no complaints. But its early, and I could be a raging bitch by 3pm. I will tell you when I have more day accomplished.

The ironic thing is that Josh choose to take the even lesser position grinding my protein shake, rather than talk to me, and face my sweetly ignorant rejection. There is a hierarchy in every business and man, cash register is almost like manager. I mean, they let you touch the fucking money for Christ sake. The only thing you touch as grinder is fruit and fucking peanut butter. Josh sealed his doom by trying to be cool, talking loudly to Capt. Save a Bro over the whhhhrrrrriiiilllllllllllllllllll of my blended concotion, yelling about how if he could sue Robek’s for like a mil.4 he’d quit and just fucking chill.

Josh (yelling): Yeah man, I’d say fuck it and man I’d even hire you to just come chill with me, we’d say fuck this place and be out.

Capt.(normal voice, trying to interact with another customer): Yeah man. That would be tight. What can I get for you sir?

Sealed his fucking deal. First of all, if you came up on that much money, you sure as shit better not hire Capt. Save a Bro to just hang out with you. Fucking moronic statement of the day. Maybe he could hire the Capt. to follow him around and fix the messes he makes, but if you quit your job and pay someone to kick it you are a fool and will broke with the quickness, 1.4 isn’t gonna last that long.

Second of all, what the fuck is wrong with you wanting to sue the pants of my favorite smoothie place, just so you can be a lazy fuck and not work? I outta punch you in the face for taking advantage of the system like that. Ugly American.

So I got my chocolate peanut butter delight and left, Saucysasspants in tow.

We are walking back to my house when Saucy, sweet little dogface that she is, decides to take a fat deuce on this guys lawn, and the guy happens to be pulling into his driveway as she is squatting on the little strip of grass across the sidewalk in front of his home. And because I decided to change it up that day and get a smoothie instead of a bowl, my treat is in a cup, and not a bowl, with a bag. I have no bag to clean up shit.

The guy gets out of his car.

Me: Hey dude, do you have a bag? My dog just took a dump and I want to clean it off your lawn.

Him: No. YOU don’t have a bag? Why don’t you have a bag?

Me: Because she already shit two times this morning and I changed from a bowl to a cup.

Him: ugh….(walks away disgusted)

I begin to walk away and he turns and yells.

Him: So you’re just going to walk away?

Me: No, I’m going to walk back to my house, get a fucking bag, and come back and clean it up.

Him: uuuugggghhhhhhh (walks into house totally disgusted)

As I near my own home, I replay our conversation in my head, thinking of all the right things to say moments too late, I should have told him he was a jerk, and he has to have a fucking bag everybody has a fucking plastic bag in his/her home, just walk your lazy ass inside and get it for me and no, I’m going to clean it up with my hands and then rub it all over his front fucking door, and I decide this guy was such an asshole that fuck him, Saucy can shit all over his fucking lawn for all I care, all I wanted was a bag, and this jerk has to make me feel like a bad dog owner for not getting an acai bowl. I outta punch him in the face too.

But I won’t. Instead, I will take my dog to his house and let her shit every single morning. And I will wait for the next confrontation and I will have all the right things to say. I will also have to find a new smoothie place. Fucking Robek’s.”